Posts Tagged ‘Old Soul’

It had been months in the planning, of enacting scenarios in my head of what my summer in the States was going to be like. I can’t fully explain the excitement I felt. I was 18 but to most back here in the UK I was considered a bit of an old soul, someone who never really fit in despite all my efforts. Faceted is the only word I can describe myself as back then. Aspects of many groups appealed to me but never the whole, and so, I would present whatever facet fitted the situation; the scholar, the bad-ass, the geek, the partier, the rebel, the lover. Yet none of these things was ever able to draw my full commitment and it manifested in an awkwardness that, now I am back home in the UK, has horribly resurfaced. I even tried my hand at being a poof yet the physical repulsion I felt the first time I gobbled a cock made me think otherwise. ‘Better left in my head.’ an aspect of me that lay dormant for a few years before resurfacing with a vengeance, but there will be more about that later. Back then I never truly knew who I was which is not to say that now, almost eleven years later, I have any better clue. Seems there are just more facets to complicate things.

The beautiful thing was that I now had an opportunity to be whomever I wanted to be. Fantasies of assumed persona’s had been part of my build up to visiting America for the summer. Hey, I was only gonna be with these guys for a few months, who the hell cares what I tell them right? But fantasies were all these assumed persona’s were ever going to be. How much my experience participating in Camp America was to affect me was completely unfathomed as I packed the rucksack acquired through pseudo-sponsorship (I was lucky enough to be ‘in good’ with the head of the warranty department at a well known brand).