So What’s the Point?

Have you ever paused and looked around and just thought ‘how the fuck did I end up here?’ Well that’s essentially my purpose in writing this blog. For my own benefit, I want to commit to the cyber-ether an overview of the events that shaped my life for the past ten years. Right now I’m staring at four walls of the tiniest bedroom in my parent’s house and wondering: “How THE FUCK did end up back here.”

In the summer of 2000 I moved to the US. I was fearless back then, moving with next to nothing in the bank, though I did have a wonderful support system that would later collapse around me. Whether that was sheer stupidity or a youthful sense of adventure that is now lost is debatable. Regardless, I think if that nineteen-year-old were to see me now he’d be ashamed and to be honest I am fully ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I’m now 30 years old and have nothing of tangible worth, and more ashamed that I squandered the opportunities handed to me.

The difficulty I’m faced with is writing this with full honesty, in fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll find myself making excuses for behaviours because that’s been an ongoing theme in my life. I want to tell my story to someone without consequence or judgement for the first time in the hope that I’ll get to know myself a bit better. Few of us are ever fully honest with another individual. We constantly monitor our behaviour for result, the spin doctors of our own lives so to speak and that is what I want to rid myself of. I could be wrong, perhaps that’s just me. An irrefutable fear of judgement has plagued me from childhood, though I wouldn’t have you know that. At times I will appear vehemently fearless of judgement but that’s only as long as it plays into my larger picture of acceptance.

I don’t need everyone to like me, just the majority of the crowd.

When you’ve had to move in as many circles as I have, you start to find one presented persona contradicts the other. Eventually you lose track of who you are amidst the guise’s you think people want you to be.

LOL even as I write this, fully convincing myself it is purely for my own benefit, I am editing myself, I must stop.

This is perhaps a good place to state I make no apologies for grammar, structure or continuity. Essentially this blog is gonna be what it’s gonna be – I may occasionally employ spell-check.

Back to what this is ‘attempting’ to be. I want to narrate the story of my time living in Philadelphia: My journey from a relatively naïve teenager that can save the world in the process of owning it, to a jaded and self loathing adult who at this stage longs for a job and a questionable rental apartment. This story will involve love and marriage both straight and gay, drugs, sexual addiction, partying in the extreme, survival, abuse, but above all, self exploration.

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